I will tell you something that I am afraid to admit even to myself – I am a cheater.
Yes, I cheated on someone. And it troubles me everytime I think about it. It’s awful and I feel ashamed of myself that I did that to someone I truly love.
I regret it, all of it. Maybe it entertained me for a day or two but the ghost of my action haunts me all the time. I lost a lot of things including my self-respect and the trust of my love. We would always fight about it or seriously anything that may seem suspicious. We hurt each other with words. And it tears my heart apart to have turned my love into somebody who thinks less of me.
I could not possibly elaborate how much pain I feel inside everytime we fight. But the hurt my heart feels transcends through my body. I can’t concentrate. My heart pumps so fast that blood rushes to my head. Then I start thinking about all the bad things that may happen. My brain starts to ache. I can’t breathe. My fingers tremble and so as my toes that I can’t stay in one place. It’s torture. All I am thinking then is that I CANNOT LOSE MY LOVE.
My guilt is always there. It’s that one thing that tells me I deserve all the hurt I feel because what I did is unacceptable to anyone. I deserve being interrogated and questioned. And it’s okay. I accept that. I can live with that. What I can’t take is how I hurt my love still even after I said I changed. I lost the foundation of any relationship – TRUST.
I cannot say anything more, just don’t cheat on anybody in anyway. If you think you’ll hurt someone, it will hurt you more in return. It’s a trap, it’s a suicide. Don’t be like me.