I will tell you something that I am afraid to admit even to myself – I am a cheater.
Yes, I cheated on someone. And it troubles me everytime I think about it. It’s awful and I feel ashamed of myself that I did that to someone I truly love.
I regret it, all of it. Maybe it entertained me for a day or two but the ghost of my action haunts me all the time. I lost a lot of things including my self-respect and the trust of my love. We would always fight about it or seriously anything that may seem suspicious. We hurt each other with words. And it tears my heart apart to have turned my love into somebody who thinks less of me.
I could not possibly elaborate how much pain I feel inside everytime we fight. But the hurt my heart feels transcends through my body. I can’t concentrate. My heart pumps so fast that blood rushes to my head. Then I start thinking about all the bad things that may happen. My brain starts to ache. I can’t breathe. My fingers tremble and so as my toes that I can’t stay in one place. It’s torture. All I am thinking then is that I CANNOT LOSE MY LOVE.
My guilt is always there. It’s that one thing that tells me I deserve all the hurt I feel because what I did is unacceptable to anyone. I deserve being interrogated and questioned. And it’s okay. I accept that. I can live with that. What I can’t take is how I hurt my love still even after I said I changed. I lost the foundation of any relationship – TRUST.
I cannot say anything more, just don’t cheat on anybody in anyway. If you think you’ll hurt someone, it will hurt you more in return. It’s a trap, it’s a suicide. Don’t be like me.
I’ve got this “something” I memorized and made up before when I was still on the 3rd Grade, and it goes like this:
Everyday of my life
I was looking for you, looking for your pretty face
Everyday of my life
Hoping to see is you, hoping to be with you
It was supposed to be a chorus of a song I wrote for someone I can’t remember anymore. Or maybe, I was just preparing so I can sing it to you now.
I feel like I’m seriously sick. My skin’s hot though it’s freaking cold in the room. My head aches so bad I want to get my brain and punch it in its core and see if it can hurt more. My throat and mouth are all dry. My eyes burn like its on fire, literally. My whole body aches with every move. And I feel really bad on my chest.
But all these is nothing — if only you are here by my side.
While preparing my morning coffee at the office, an officemate of mine tapped in the back and said “It’s okay.”
I was mortified. Why the sudden affection and concern? What really surprised me is how easily he comes in to me and say those words when we are not really friends at all.
But what really shocked me is the way I felt after that. I was happy and relieved to finally have somebody who understands me, well in our office. I talked to him for five minutes and I was okay. He just made my morning.
The thing I learned today is that people are nice, even those we don’t expect to be. And sometimes they give us something our closest friends can’t.
To the love of my life,
Yes, that’s what you are to me. You are the love of my life. And it kills me every day because I will be leaving you soon.
I’m sorry that I have to do this. There are just some things in my life right now that I have to prioritize but it does not mean that I love you any less. Leaving you is the most difficult thing to do. But I have to sacrifice our time together — for now.
Being away from you will totally drive me crazy. My heart will always look for your love and my body will seek for your warmth. It’s torture to be away from you for a week, what more for months. I will miss you. No, cross that. I will long for you.
Given our situation, there is only one thing I hope you do for us. I don’t care if you go out with your friends, if you fool around with anybody or fail to update me on your life (surely it will hurt though). I just hope you wait for me. Wait for that time when we can finally be together again. Because baby, I promise I will wait for you.
I love you so much.
I woke up today with a heavy heart. I did not need my alarm clock. I opened my eyes and I cried. I did not get up immediately. I stayed lying in my bed for a couple of more minutes. And I cried still.
This might be one of the toughest moments in my life. I know I did the right thing but why doesn’t it feel right? My heart is battling with my brain once again. And goes the endless debate of these two body organs that seem to disagree more often than they used to.
More than ever, I pray to God for my peace of mind.
Happiness is always a choice. We do things that would make us happy. We do things that would please our loved ones, our friends or our bosses. Whatever we do in our life, no matter how little or how huge, our goal is to be happy.
But happiness is not at all equivalent to satisfaction. That’s the hard part. At one you can be happy for something but as you get used to it, you lose the urge and become unsatisfied. Thus, it makes you unhappy. Whatever keeps you holding on into something is your hope and your decision to be happy.
The sad thing is that people tend to want more every time. We are naturally built to crave for more than what we have. Do things that would not only make you happy, but will satisfy you.
I am in a very awkward and difficult situation in my life right now. I bet the 22 years that I lived did not prepare me well enough for something like this. It seems like all the experiences I thought I had isn’t sufficient. It feels like I’m on the edge of the hill and one bad decision would put me straight to the ground.
I used to be the optimistic type but now, any other way would end up bad. The thing is, for the first time I do not know which to prioritize. My heart does not know which to choose. I’m thinking of getting a second opinion but I don’t know where to get it. I’m emotionally and mentally torn. That’s just sad and lonely.
What do I do?
The whole time during the trip from my house to work, I was listening to my playlist. It was just the perfect morning sound. The lyrics really caught my heart off guard. Here are some of them.
Some wounds just never heal. Miguel Escueta, Falling Away
Of all the dreams and hopes that I could pray for, there you are. Oliver James, Greatest Story Ever Told
Are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark? Maroon 5, Lost Stars
I’ve got your picture on my wallet and your phone number to call it and I miss you more whenever I think about you. FM Static, Moment of Truth
I want your arms around me and I want your lips on mine. Tiffany Alvord, Baby I Love You
It will take a whole lot of medication to realize what we used to have, we don’t have it anymore. Bruno Mars, It Will Rain
You’ve got holes in your jeans, and a few in your heart. Before You Exit, Soldier
Music does its magic to me, every time. So, what’s your song?
I adored Pope Francis since 2013. He never fails to surprise me with his thinking. He’s not just the leader of the Catholic church but also a good role model for humanity. He doesn’t just teach us to be good people but how to be a people of the church which pleases God.
He did things extaordinarily. He crosses the line of traditional norms of how we perceive the world. He is brave. He is not afraid to be different. He sees the world just how we need to see it. He is modern and bold but does not sacrifice his faith.
I idolize that man and I am not scared of admitting to myself and everyone else that I follow Pope Francis, because I know he will lead me to the right path straight to the heart of my Lord.
Thank you, Pope Francis.