I feel a hole inside my heart. I feel empty. I feel lonely. I feel betrayed by life. I feel alone. I feel something crushing my insides that my hands start to tremble.
I used to be a cheerful person. Well I can still smile right now, but I don’t even know if I’ll mean it. Whenever I’m around people I can be joyful. And normal. But whenever I’m left in my room, I automatically switch moods and be like this, a wretched little girl typing over her laptop with no one to share her sentiments with.
Have you stared blankly at a glass of water and without warning tears are already there on your cheeks? I did. I’m starting to think which closet with my skeletons is making me fall into pieces.
Is it my academic status? I got over my delayed graduation and I really love studying. I may have distress regarding that, but I think I’ve handled them already.
Is it my family? We are in a better place right now. I just miss them so much but I’m used to it.
Is it my heart? Despite the loneliness I feel, I am satisfied romantically. It’s not smooth sailing at all but I can live with it.
Is it about my friends in any way possible? Doubt it. Most of my friends are men, which I’m grateful about because I believe that is what I need. And I don’t have any problem about it.
FRIEND. That caught me. I think I don’t have anybody to really talk to. Sure I have friends whom I can talk to about anything but I don’t have someone to actually discuss things with.
Is Jesus talking to me? That He misses me and He wants me to come to Him? Oh my God, here comes another bunch of tears. Is this a sign? My heart is crushing again. Is He the someone I’ve been yearning for?
I hope it’s easy. I hope the pain and sorrow I feel could just vanish. I hope things to be back the way it was. I hope I can be truly happy again.